I feel confused and lost. What is real, and what is an illusion? Have I so thoroughly convinced myself that all is well, when in reality I am hiding from myself yet again and do not see the truth? How can one day be so positive, beyond my expectations, and the next so dismal? My hope rises, only for me to feel forlorn, and I wonder whether any of the joy from yesterday was a figment of my imagination.
Our minds can play tricks on us. One moment your biggest supporter, the next your greatest antagonist. You feel like a ship on rough seas, at the mercy of the wind and waves. The calm water is deceiving, for beyond the horizon a storm may be approaching. The tempest cannot be stopped, and there is nothing I can do but lean on you whilst weathering the storm.
The lack of predictability brings a sense of uncertainty; it renders me uneasy. How can I be in control when I feel removed from reality? How can I prepare for that which I cannot see? I know I should put my trust in you, but the desire to master the situation is enticing, and I want to feel strong in order to mask weakness. Teach me to lean on your strength, before I am thrown to the depths.
Even though I know that good and bad days are a reality of recovery, I am still taken aback by the way in which moods can change so suddenly, for no apparent reason. That being said, the beginning of the downward spiral would probably be clear if I cast my mind back to events from earlier today.
It defies reason that I should want to fight on my own when I proclaim God as being my source of strength. Repeatedly I remind myself that I should not battle on my own, and each time my natural mind defies this. The battle is as much with my mood, as it is with controlling wayward thoughts.