Wave upon wave of pain crashes over me, a depth of sadness that I cannot express at the mere thought of his name. We did our best to save him, but at just a few days old his chances were slim. This cruel world has taken him away.

As I remember, I feel so fragile. Fragile, as I recall the times I was at risk. Life is short and no-one knows what will next occur; only you see the future. I feel despondent as I attempt to process my damaged emotions; my soul is more broken than I realised. Why do I feel like such a mess?

You are fitting the shattered pieces of me back together, but at times the healing process brings agony, for you are removing the rough edges to make me stronger. Heal my hurting memories, that I may remember in the absence of pain.

Isaiah 46:10.

Just when I feel I am improving, yet another test makes it way into my life. This time, minor PTSD has returned. Of all the issues I have had to face, this is the most difficult to shake off; I have less control over this. The way I feel now is most likely due to watching a war film yesterday, with characters suffering shock on the battlefield. I thought I had overcome this; I thought I would be alright.

Given that I have written these prayers since November, the past fortnight since starting this blog has required a lot of catch up. This has allowed me to monitor progress from feeling despondent to having a generally more optimistic outlook recently (apart from this weekend). Although it is currently difficult to remain upbeat, my progress over the past couple of months has encouraged me.


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