Weary, listless, apathetic. My emotions have dried up, like a former stream in the desert. Once exciting goals with promising outcomes, now a shadow of what could have been. With no clear aim, I am merely passing time, existing but not living.
Having paused to consider what I could accomplish, I realise that the desire, the motivation, has evaporated. So many things I could achieve, but to what end? Why pursue a task that one day will perish? Indeed, why do anything at all?
Ultimately, everything will fade, people will be forgotten, and matter will decay. The laws of nature, and history itself, have displayed this time after time. I feel apathy towards life. I seek something to satisfy, yet only the things of God have eternal value.
2 Corinthians 4:18.
The new year began with the early signs of depression. So focused was I on hiding my issues because of what people might say, that I became anxious. As Solomon writes in Proverbs, Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good work makes it glad (Proverbs 12:25, NKJV). The truth of this verse was unfurling before my eyes, and even though I tried to convince myself of the good things God has done for me, it was the good word of caring friends that I needed. I am not designed to struggle through life alone.