Shame

28/12/2016

A shame so strong, I cannot look a friend in the eye; I need to turn away. Welcomed into the Father’s loving arms, yet unable to live with the past; shame has strong bonds.

For so long it was disguised well, but God’s light reveals all things hidden in the dark. I am not to blame for what happened, yet I tear myself down as though I was.

How easy it is to pretend that everything is alright, but in the midst of that façade I feel the struggle to trust, to explore my emotions.

Forgiving others is easier than forgiving myself, but I need to let go. Shame should have no hold on me, but I sense its filthy grip still.

I do not know how to respond to the reappearance of shame that I once thought gone. I feel unclean.

Romans 15:7; Psalm 139:12; Zephaniah 3:19.

 

Shame is a very powerful emotion, and for a long time it crippled me. For nearly 7 years it remained unseen, and it was only when God’s light shone on the shame and its source, sexual harassment, that I began to recognise the ugly parasite for what it was. It drained sustenance and life from me, and kept me from experiencing the fullness of what God had planned for me.

Even now I still struggle at times to accept what happened; more difficult still is the acknowledgement that I was not at fault and there was nothing I could have done differently. There are many topics that I can openly discuss with my mentors, but this was one subject I avoided as much as possible, until God gently revealed to me the magnitude of this issue. I am not yet fully healed from this, but it is a work in progress.

 

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