I hide my face from you, for all I see is the shameful thing that I have done; I feel impure. The ugliness of sin looms near, constantly reminding me of my failure. Just one moment was all that was required; a lapse in judgement, a disregard for your command. How can I claim to love you, yet hurt you in this way? I need to love myself as you love me, but how can I, when this has tainted me? Has this revealed my true self?
Confess your sins, and you shall be forgiven. I feel nothing. The shame of my actions clouds my view, an ever present reminder that I fall short of your glory. How I long to be in your presence with childlike innocence; instead, I hang my head in shame. You say you have forgiven me; indeed, the problem lies with me, for I struggle to forgive myself.
1 John 1:9; Isaiah 1:18; Isaiah 43:25.
For days I tore myself apart because I struggled to forgive myself. Thought after thought churned in my mind and granted me no rest, even though I heard God calling to me in mercy. As much as I desired to keep this hidden from everyone, I knew from previous situations that to do so would wound my soul further.
As difficult as it has been to acknowledge the situation, both to friends and myself, I feel I have grown in strength and have been experiencing healing in recent months. Last year I most certainly would not have openly discussed something that makes me very uncomfortable, even ashamed. This is still a challenging topic to write about, but the release it provides renders my efforts worthwhile.